The Inferno

The Inferno:

I think I died and went to heaven

when it was really hell in disguise

Now my devils won’t let me be

as the demons inside of me

crawl out to greet me

and tearing what is left of my

soul.

Stop

When people start talking to me, a mile a minute, without actually saying anything worth listening to. 

Time

Time
Minutes ticking on a clock
An intangible thing
that rules our life
Another form of drug that
we are dependent on

Time
An elusive concept
Memories locked away
in the realm of space
The wasted seconds
The moments lost to ignorance
and death

Time
Numbers that mock us when we can't sleep
Numbers that sneer at us when we're late

Time
A meaningless word that holds no true value if wasted
But we spend so much of it wishing away
instead of chasing our dreams

Time
Something we don't have
A limited thing that if not used
Can not be regained
It moves on
without even glancing our way

Time
A thing so precious
it's abused.

Words

I can't seem to be able to keep my word. Well, more correctly, I just won't. I make promises, even when I'm perfectly aware that the words slipping through the cracks of my lips are empty. Hollow letters that spring out of my mouth at a moments notice. And yet, I do nothing to sop them. I let those letters form into words and then into phrases, what seems like honest promises are actually lies in disguise. And what makes it worse, is that I keep making promises that I know I'm not going to keep and let the other person down, willingly. Words seem to be such fickle things.

Loneliness and Mental Wars

Okay, okay, okay. I'm going to be upfront with you, I'm a bit lonely. Surprised? Don't be. I tend to stay to myself and keep my emotions under key and lock. Since I lost my best friend I feel as if I cant trust anyone. I don't feel the need to share my feelings, well, actually I do, but I don't really trust anyone to when it come to my emotions and being vulnerable.  Why? Because it always comes back to bite me in the ass. Allowing myself to be weak in front of other people has lead to more heartbreak than ever.

That's why I can barely stand the human race as it is. Because so many people have hurt me and taken the trust that I put in their hands, and watched as they shred it to pieces. And now I'm nursing wounds from bonds that were broken and wishing that I had never trusted the wrong people with something as fragile as my trust. Yes, I know, I'm whining aren't I? Blame it on the teenage angst I suppose.

Now, I want to make something very clear. I don't want your pity nor do I need it. I'm strong enough to carry around all my problems and stand n my own two feet. Yes, I'm struggling, but the point is I'm doing it. The thing is it's hard when you feel like you have no one to talk to, to be vulnerable, to pour out all of your problems and emotions in front of them. Forgive me if I'm coming off as an unstable brat, but... at this point, it's pathetic to say, that I feel as if this blog is the only thing that I can spill my issues to. I'm trying to be mindful of the people who come on here and limiting what I reveal about my mental and emotional state, but it's too late for that now huh?

I'm not even the legal age limit to drink and already I feel as if I experienced the emotional range of what a 70 year old would have went through. I might be exaggerating but in truth, I don't really care what you guys think. Some teens go through wars at their homes and mine just happens to take place in my mind.

Sure, it does suck to have to fight a battle everyday and not tell anyone about it. But I'm willing to stand in a suit of armor by myself if that means I'm stronger by the time the war ends. Well, look at that, I'm babbling. So let me finish off by saying that I'll be alright, I just wish I wasn't as alone as I let myself be. But it is a choice that I made and only I can make and I'm willing to accept the consequences of all my choices. Even this one. Thanks for reading.

My Back you will See

I turn my back to thee! With my back you will see, that the bond we have, will no longer be. Or in more simpler words: Fuck Off.

Honesty Hour I: Words Gone Sour

I know how I am. I won't deny it. I'm a bitch for being blunt and honest, barely sugar coating anything. I'm just sick and tired of having to control what I say, just because honesty isn't appreciated anymore. I will not take the words that I meant and if you can't handle what I say, then please walk yourself to the door. Thank you and have a nice day.

Teenage Angst

Teenage angst sucks. It really does. It makes someone like me, who hates to cry and be all emotional, cry as if I was an infant. It makes me want to be reckless and fall to my death, but I'm still holding strong. I want no pity or sympathy, I just want this stage in my life to be over. Hopefully it is just that, a stage.

Rot in Hell

I want to see you burn and feel the peeling of your flesh and shriveling of your organs. I want to see your ashes litter the floor, your corpse unrecognizable. Your face a mere unwanted memory that my mind would soon forget with age. I want to hear your screams fill the night, the sound of your choking soon following after before you fall to your demise. And I'll laugh while you rot in hell.

Footprints in Our Lives

I decided we are like footprints at the beach. Now before you say "WTF?" and go on your merry way thinking that I'm just another crazy chick, please continue to read on. Now like I was saying, we are like the footprints on the beach. Except the beach, or in this case, the sand, would be the lives of the many people that we knew or know. And the footprints? They are the aftermath, the evidence of our effect on that person's life.

You see, some footprints take longer to be washed away by the sea, but we can still see them in our minds. We know it our feet had made an impression in the sand, and it's just like that with people. We know that we were part of one another's life at one point, regardless if we still are. We still hold memories of that other person, can feel the aftermath of their demise with their death or moving away or when we lose contact. Some footprints are harder to wash away, farther away from the relentless ocean, or were made with heavier steps, needing a few more waves to wash them away from our eyes.

It's like that with people. Some people are harder to forget, even the ones we wish we never met. How many times did you wish you didn't have to remember the times you were betrayed? Or the many times you lost someone? Because they left a piece of themselves, a footprint in our lives I suppose. And sometimes the sea can never reach the footprints left in their leave, too far high and deep in the sand, on the beach, to later be replaced with sand or other footprints.

Maybe I'm babbling, I feel like I am. But the point is, we leave our marks just as we left our mark on the beach, even temporarily. So be careful where you step and the lives you touch, because one wrong step and... well, you get the idea.

Picture: http://joog07.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/footprints_in_the_sand_op_493x600.jpg

Wanderless Musings

Don't you ever feel like packing up your things and just going away? I know I do. I just want to take a bag and stuff it, take some money and food and be on my way. I want to go on an adventure across the world, learn a new language and make a whole new identity for myself. Yes, I know I am clearly ignoring the consequences of doing any of these things, but still, humor me. Imagine if we could just start anew whenever we wanted, go wherever we wanted, just because we could. Now imagine that you were given the chance to do that, would you take it?

As much as I desire to grow wings and fly away, I would much rather stay with my feet on the ground. I would rather stay around the familiar because in truth, I am scared of what an unknown place holds for me. I am perfectly aware that I just contradicted what I had said previously, about wanting to go to an unknown place with only a few clothes and some change in my pocket, but in truth, I know I am incapable of it. Well, incapable is not the right word, more like I just won't. I wouldn't just get up and leave everything I know behind, though at times I wish to. At night, in the silence of my room, I wonder, if I just left, what would happen? Who would I encounter? Who would miss me and who would shrug it off? What would happen in the course of time it took me to wander aimlessly through the country?

These are questions I wish to amuse and no matter how many scenarios I make in my head, I never know the actual answer. And I hate not knowing those answers. I want to know that my family would be alright without me, that I would be safe and that they would be even more safe than I would be. I want to be certain that my mother would not die of heartache if her child just leaves without another word. I need to know that if I leave the safety of my home, that I would not end up in a gutter, just another faceless and nameless girl in the land of nowhere. But as of now, I can't be too sure. That's one of the may things keeping me from stretching my legs and extending them beyond the reach of my safe zone. But those named are the main reasons that I stay.

Yes, I do still wish that I could go away. That in a far away place I would be able to breathe easier, reevaluate a life I barely started and come to terms with myself and all the things I've done and want to do. I just want to get away from it all: the yelling, the roaring engine of cars in the middle of the night, of the voices that haunt me in my mind, of everything and everyone I know. Maybe it's not the best reason to leave, but it is still my reason. It is the reason I wish to escape and maybe one day I will have the guts to do so. Maybe one day I will wake up and just leave. Maybe one day, when I'm sick of the bullshit and loneliness, I would go away, never to be seen or heard from again, just to return to my biggest fear. I fear that on my return, no one would have missed me, no one would remember me or even worse, everyone would hate me for what I did: Leaving behind my family and friends for something as selfish as a whim, just because I could. 


I really wish I could, but I am going to stay here, planted to the forsaken city that I reside in. 

Do You Ever...

Do you ever feel a little bit lost?

Droplets of Agony

I need a pool to float in, an ocean to sink in. I need an anchor to keep me still. I need a lifeline to keep me from drowning. I need the tears to cease and the worries to wash away.  I need the me from the past to swim up for air and kill the sadness that swirls in my chest. I need the me of today to survive. So I will survive. 

The Chaos of a Lost Soul

And like a ship at sea, she sails on

even if her insides are screaming

the fabric of her very being protesting violently

against the cold waves of her agony

And like a volcano, she explodes

the destruction of her structure unstoppable

and beautiful

Never ending and hopeless

And like a building, she collapses onto herself

into her bones

a chaotic mess of buried words and secrets

littering the pavement around her

engraving itself into the worlds memory

And like a addict, she screams for more

wanting nothing more but to block out reality

and go to a world where nothing hurts and 

people didn't exist

in a place where it was only she and not 

a him or another her

just she and the ice inside her soul

And like a blistering winter, she blocks out the light

and lets the fingers of numbness rock her body until

she's sleeping

never wishing to awake 

even if in her head

her demons won't let her be

And like a ghost

she's filled with regrets

weighted down by lies

the ashes of bridges burned swirling around her 

with the leaves of Autumn

And like a corpse, she lays still

waiting for the rest of her to rot away

to be forgotten by time

to leave her mind and herself

And like death

she lingers in the air

destructive and silent

and oh so terribly

merciful on its descent 

Fragile Glass

It's difficult trying to keep up the font of being strong and unbeatable when really your nothing more thsn fragile glass, just waiting to shatter. Always look underneath the underneath. For anything can break under the right amount of pressure. And some people have either gone insane or died from that. The cracks in their reflection was far too large and vunerable for attack from their enemies.